The Great Conveyor Belt of Life
Death came calling for one of my cousins this week. It was his turn to fall off the conveyor belt. We were close in age and I think in my mind’s eye that we are young, kids even. The belt never stops and even though I had just seen him this summer and knew he was sick, his death was profoundly sad and it shook me.
When you reach a certain age as a boomer, life becomes a paradox. We are the generation that is forever young. Yet, the inevitable comes for us too. I have always seen death as the great conveyor belt of life. Way up ahead in the distance you see people dropping off into the abyss. There is no getting off of the belt, but you can keep moving back, even while others sprint past you.
I’m not particularly afraid of dying. I am profoundly sad to leave a life I love and am living on my terms. That is freedom, baby. Things sag, lines appear, skin crinkles, and joints ache. I’m here and continue to keep hoping my time on the belt continues for a long time.
My brother had a birthday yesterday and he’s older than I am. I assume if he’s still tickin’, I will be too. Apparently our cousin was in a bad lane on the belt and whizzed right by us. That’s part of Faustian bargain all people over a certain age play. As long as it’s not me. I didn’t want my cousin to die. He was a very, very good human being. But there is always that voice in the back of my head that says, I’m still on the belt and at least it wasn’t me. I’ll try to live better.
This country obsesses over death. Every year we “celebrate” all the celebrities and noteworthy people who died during the 12 months preceding. People clap and then clap louder for their favorites. I suppose memorializing is a coping mechanism or signal of grief and sadness. One could read the obits for that. I see it as a reminder that the belt is in good working order.
I saw an article the other day that said researchers had found a way to affect two different receptors in round worms and it exponentially increased their life. I suppose living forever is what many people want. I think it would be cool, mainly because it is a future I can understand. I can’t understand death because the concept of “after” makes no sense to me and it is linear thinking. I really don’t think the line of consciousness continues as we know it, but then I can’t imagine what else there is. I’ll wait patiently, but I suspect the “I” as I am will never know either. Because “I” will cease to exist and whatever else is coming, if anything, will be sourced by something else. Or maybe I just come back and relive my life over and over. Or maybe I come back as someone new with flits and hints of a former life that momentarily come into my new consciousness.
The only things I do know is that I have no idea what happens when anyone dies, that I will die, and so will you. The conveyor belt does not take a holiday. So I make the most of every day, living full out.
